YOUR NEEDS – Avoid the constant frustration of not having your needs met in your loving relationship with your spouse or mate by clearly and honestly defining your expectations for the relationship. Definition brings clarity – trying to figure stuff out after you have made the commitment can cause tremendous trouble and/or heartache that could have been avoided. Stumbling around aimlessly trying to figure each other out is not the same as working things out, and this chaos only adds to the mounting problems. Knowing what it is that you need, expect, will accept or will reject in your loving relationships gives you a sense of direction; a clear path to the place where you want to wind up in your relationship.
A loving relationship should not be filled with speculation. Ask yourself what type of loving relationship involves assumption, theory, hearsay, supposition, rumor, gossip? The preceding descriptors which define speculation are not how we want (or should not want) to deal with our loving relationships. We want and deserve certain assurances when it comes to love, and that is what clear and honest definition brings to the healthy relationship. Remember, we usually draw from our definition (our Point-of-Reference) when demonstrating love. Even when we make a conscientious decision to deviate from a Point-of-Reference, an unexpected circumstance, an emergency situation, being thrust into unfamiliar territory can throw us back into the “default mode” and we will default to the Point-of-Reference. This is why some individuals who make promises to never commit their injurious acts again in a relationship often repeat the offense. When in doubt, they default to the Point-of-Reference.
If your love interest’s definition of love/Point-of-Reference causes you concern or alarm, this isn’t the relationship for you, or at the very least requires that you proceed with caution. If their Point-of-Reference is troubled or otherwise dysfunctional, that is what they will bring to the relationship. If his/her definition compliments, enhances, or is consistent with your expectations, go ahead and tell your spouse/mate exactly what you need in detail. It is unrealistic & unfair to expect your spouse/mate to know how to please you if you have never articulated your needs. Show and tell him/her what you need. Even the scriptures support the premise of asking for what you need (i.e.), “You have not because you ask not.” Think about this — we usually voice the expressions “I wish I had known”; “I thought you knew”; “I misunderstood”, etc. with regret. These regrets are not necessary.
When it comes to love, you deserve the best…Accept noting less than the real thing. Pam Reaves 2011