Why We Must Distinguish the Truly Loving Relationship From the Toxic Relationship

“Is It Love…Or Merely a Sick Attachment?”  My new book is doing quite well, even prior to the official Release Date, which is tomorrow (July 5, 2011).  However, the most consistent questions that I am getting are in regards to the book’s title.  Yes, it is jarring and causes an immediate pause.  But that was my intent — to cause a pause, which means I have the reader’s attention, which means the reader is intrigued, as he or she should be.  Believe me, our loving relationships or those relationships we want or need to believe are loving relationships require immediate and our undivided attention.  So much is taken for granted whenever love is professed, and maybe that is why despite the very high premium we all place on love and our expectations when it comes to our loving relationships; despite the abundance of information we now have at our disposal on how to have a great relationship, how to ensure we are satisfied in our love-making, how to have communication, the results are in no way consistent with the emphasis and/or premium placed on love.  Despite tons of information on how to keep the passionate fire ablaze in our relationships, how to keep the romance fresh, how to have the better relationships we tirelessly pursue, there is still something very wrong in the Land of Love.  The statistics on domestic violence are chilling and we need to know why.  My concern is that we may not be paying close enough attention to the desire as opposed to the reality, and here is why.

Despite an abundance  of information via relationship books, television and radio talk shows; despite the millions of books, seminars, retreats, and erotica designed to improve or maintain our loving relationships, there are some very disturbing reports on the State of Love.  I have been reading reports in which the statistics are supporting experts’ opinions that domestic violence is at epidemic proportion.  One report on domestic violence for the year 2010, states that on average more than three women and one man are killed by someone whom they were intimately involved.   Yes — men are victims of domestic violence and are dying too.  When we think about (and most of us do not like to ponder on the dark side of relationships) the worst case scenario in a relationship (i.e. murder, suicide) we want to believe that the worst case scenario rarely happens.  Well in this case, the worst case scenario happens every day, according to the report.  Since the victims are dying at the hands of someone with whom they were intimate, it is not unreasonable to reach a conclusion that at some point in the relationship, someone professed to have loved, or assumed that love was a component in the relationship.  We need to focus on the huge gap between the high value we place on love and the staggering results in the reports on domestic violence.  In reading my new book, “Is It Love…Or Merely a Sick Attachment?” you will read about truly loving relationships versus the toxic relationships veiled as loving.  You will understand the gap between what most of desire a loving experience to be and the realities supported by the reports.  You will connect with my book and the unforgettable short stories that are also included because most of us have been in the gap at one time or another in our lives, or know some else who is in, or has been in the gap.  You see, the gap involves our familial relationships, our individual definitions of love, our perceptions about love; our points of references, and a host of other elements that we may not be aware of that ultimately affect the romantic relationship (a lot of times the only type of loving relationships we focus on) we desire.   My readers will have a better understanding as to why some individuals are able to survive problematic relationships, while others descend into a hellacious hole disguised as a loving relationship.

Readers will become accustomed to the terminology “Sick Attachment”.  People want to know what is a Sick Attachment, and what is its relationship to the concept of the Love.  Well, I call the Sick Attachment a Relationship Disorder.  Just like any physiological disorder that needs to be treated, early detection of this Relationship Disorder is the best line of defense and cure.  To ignore the signs of a troubled relationship and where the relationship could end up, or the devastation it causes is to one’s own peril.  Many of you refer to this type of Relationship Disorder as toxic, and rightfully so.  However, I do believe that there are many cases in which individuals identify toxicity within their relationships and are able to either fix the problem or terminate the relationship before it causes irreparable harm.  Furthermore, I do not believe that all problematic relationships are sick attachments.  It is that devastating relationship that eats away at an individual mentally, emotionally, and physically (all in the name of love) when all the evidence points to the contrary that is of great concern to me.  There are those individuals who stubbornly, sometimes desperately, hold on to the toxic relationship and keep alluding to it as “love” — even more troubling.  The statistics beg for my question (Is It Love…Or Merely a Sick Attachment?” to be answered.  In my book, I explore and analyze the power of true love and the devastation of the Sick Attachment.  Although our definitions of love may be as individual as DNA, we do not (and should not) expect our loving relationships to hurt, maim, destroy, or kill us.  Most of us would initially gasp at the question and respond with: “Oh no, this isn’t me”; “I don’t know anyone like that”; “It could never happen to me”.  You may even question why I wrote a book about something as disturbing as a “Sick Attachment” when writing about our loving relationships.  Sadly the statistics that report domestic violence is at epidemic proportion are revealing and not in a favorable light.  The statistics prove that there are a whole lot of unhappy/unhealthy people who are either: (1) covering up, (2) afraid to come forward, (3) living in denial — risking everything including their health and/or lives; or (4) incapable of taking the necessary steps to detach themselves from the relationship that is tormenting and destroying them.  How does a culture that pursues love with all the benefits of the truly loving relationship wind up with violence, turmoil, sickness (physically and emotionally)  in staggering numbers that include at least three women and one man dying every day — all in the name of love?  Read my book, “Is It Love…Or Merely a Sick Attachment?” and I promise you will understand the difference.  You will come away with different perspectives or just re-evaluate your current perspective.  You will have a better understanding about the dynamics that keep people attached to relationships that most of us would turn away from.  You will never view relationships the same again.

“When it comes to love, you deserve the best — Accept nothing less than the real thing.   P. Reaves