As pleasing as the thought of intimacy is; as good as intimacy feels while you’re engaged in it; as wonderful as the afterglow can be, there are those individuals who struggle with feeling silly when it comes to initiating, participating in, or even talking about intimacy. “Silly” is ridiculous, unreasonable, or preposterous. There is no reason for you to feel any of these things when it comes to something as passionate, wonderful, and fulfilling as intimacy. The uncomfortable feeling of “silly” overwhelming your atmosphere is the wall of frustration that separates your desire to experience optimum pleasure from your reality of enjoying the optimum experience of pleasure.
If you are one of those people who struggle with overcoming these silly feelings, you may or may not be aware that regardless of the desire to be close, most of us, at one time or another, have had to deal with figuring out what to say, do, or how to act during our intimate moments, and have experienced internal battles trying to avoid coming off as silly. Unfortunately, the energy that goes into avoiding “silly” only adds to the pressure and contributes greatly to the very outcome we were trying to avoid.
Stop feeling like you don’t measure up to everyone else because you’re entertaining feelings of silliness when you want to be intimate. The key to learning how to deal with “silly” is to become knowledgeable and comfortable with intimacy. You’ll deal much better when you are acquainted with intimacy because the more you know about it the more comfortable you are with it. The more comfortable you are with intimacy, the better you are at expressing it verbally and/or physically. When you know what you’re doing and what you’re talking about, you feel more confident. Confidence is an aphrodisiac and “silly” – well, it’s not even worth mentioning.
Just take a moment to think about what happens when you feel silly about intimacy. When it comes to intimacy, silly inhibits you from saying what you really feel. Your inhibitions cause you to either say nothing, or say all the wrong things. If you say nothing or the wrong thing, your love interest will be responding to nothing or the wrong thing. Don’t be concerned with fancy words, or try to communicate with a vocabulary you are either unfamiliar or uncomfortable with when it comes to being verbally intimate. The other person isn’t looking for an eloquent speech in the heat of passion. He or she wants to hear something they clearly understand, as well as something that will arouse passion. So just tell them how you are feeling at the moment.
Never try to add more than you’re comfortable with. Sometimes the simplest words hold the most power. For example, at an anniversary celebration, when speaking of his feelings for my mother, my father simply stated, “I’ll take this love with me to my grave.” The whole room was immediately filled with an uproar of applause. That applause was evidence of the passion my father had aroused in the entire crowd – not to mention my mother who was glowing at hearing her man make this declaration in a room of more than 100 guests. Did I mention this was at their 50th Wedding Anniversary celebration? It’s safe to say that expressing love with very basic words was probably one of the ingredients that kept my parents’ marriage passionate for 60 years and eight months.
Since “silly” has no place in our intimate moments, we have to know how to minimize or completely get rid of this distraction or detraction (a reduction or taking away of quality, value, or importance from something). Feeling silly in intimate situations is usually attached to a man or woman who feels awkward, uncomfortable, or incompetent. In order to conquer these feelings of awkwardness, discomfort, or incompetency, the man or woman who is overwhelmed with these barriers must learn how to be comfortable with intimacy. When we think of intimacy, a lot of us immediately fast forward to the act of sex, which is the most intimate act between two people and probably one of the most vulnerable states to be in. If you don’t understand intimacy or are uncomfortable with touching, you are not going to feel comfortable with the type of touch that is expected when it comes to intimacy. If you’re not the touchy-feely type, don’t worry about grand gestures and acrobatic moves that braggers boast about.
There are some men who women love to be around. These men know how to touch a woman in a friendly, loving, or a compassionate manner. The awesome thing about this type of man is that he understands the power of touch, even if it has nothing to do with sex. Women can sense this and respond accordingly. They love being around this type of man because they know he won’t take advantage of a gentle touch that was intended to comfort, say that “I care,” or “I’m here for you.” These ever-so-gentle touches go a long way with a woman. She’s thinking if he’s this sensitive in a platonic situation, he must be awesome when it comes to romance. So the man who learns how to become comfortable with intimacy in ways other than sexual actually has an advantage over the man who identifies touching with sex only.
The woman who is comfortable with intimacy is the woman who is comfortable with herself. The woman who lacks confidence is not in the right frame of mind or physical condition to be intimate. Intimacy is precious and sacred. Therefore, it should be treated as such. In this regard, a woman has to know and be comfortable with what pleases her. This is accomplished by knowing her body; knowing what her expectations are; and having a sound mind in order to make sound decisions.
If a woman is ashamed of her body, doesn’t take care of it, and has little to no knowledge of the female body, then she cannot know what pleases her. Feelings of silliness will come into play because she is awkward, uncomfortable, or believes she is incompetent. If a woman is confident, she will not feel silly – the two do not go hand-in-hand. The confident woman is in the best position to teach the man who wants to be intimate with her how to treat her. This is called empowerment.
When it comes to the body, women should be aware that men like a lot of the things we don’t like about ourselves. You may hate that every hair is not in place, while he loves your tousled look — just may have been thinking about running his hands through it; you may hate the weight you’ve put on, while he feels it’s more of you to love; you may not want him to see you in an old tee shirt and some raggedy jeans with no make-up, while he sees you as fresh-faced and approachable, all ready to be hugged, kissed, and whatever else that leads to. You see, “silly” is just that – ridiculous, uncalled for, and unnecessary when it comes to intimacy.
Pamela Reaves © February 14, 2012